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|First appearance||18th September 1989|
|Number of appearances||1|
|Played by||Joe Belcher|
Bernie arrived at the shop first and was in the middle of showing off the novelties from his case when Derek came in, armed with a case full of identical stock. Thinking Derek to be a regular customer, the shopkeeper went to attend to him. Derek launched into his sales pitch and did his best to ignore Bernie, but Bernie kept interrupting him to offer the shopkeeper a lower price, and the men ended up exchanging insults. The shopkeeper was highly amused by their banter, and fetched his wife Alice from the back to watch the spectacle. Calling them the best since Morecambe and Wise, the shopkeeper tried to get them to admit they were in it together. Bernie decided he'd had enough of "Doris", and left Derek to claim victory.