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What Would Kirk Do? - The Talk

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Do 3a
The Talk
ITV release date 29th December 2014
Writer Mark Burt
Director Alan Toner
Previous episode The List
Next episode The Suit

Kirk Sutherland summons his courage at last and tells Craig Tinker that as he's going to be his step-dad it's time they had "the talk" i.e. the birds and the bees. Craig assures Kirk that there is absolutely no need but his new pater is determined and Craig reluctantly gives in. Kirk asks his first question: "What is making love?"

Solution 1: The FlipchartEdit

Do 3b

With the help of a flipchart loaned by Carla Connor, Kirk starts to take Craig through a lecture which describes in graphic (but censored) details the workings of "The Human Body", "The Erogenous Zones", "Taking Proper Precautions" and ending in "That's How Babies Are Made", all of which scares the poor lad witless...

Solution 2: Use the ForceEdit

Do 3c

Kirk's solution is to use analogies to Star Wars. He asks Craig to imagine that woman is the Death Star (which Craig can relate to as he could see Beth taking over the universe) and a man is the Millennium Falcon. Kirk is describing how the Falcon flies into the Death Star but "Craig the Anorak" cheerfully points out that technically it's sucked in by its tractor beam. Kirk thinks he's failing in his task but kindly Craig points out that he's already been taught the facts of life at school and praises Kirk for already being a brilliant stepdad.

Solution 3: All Night LongEdit

Do 3d

Kirk decides to share a few "tricks of the trade" with Craig. Saying that a CD player is a man's best friend (and not a dog), he points out that music can speak a man's emotions far better than the male of the species himself can. The demonstrated track is All Night Long by Lionel Richie but Craig is unimpressed. Kirk mistakes his cynicism for questioning the lyrics themselves and tells the uncomfortable boy that it is possible if you keep properly hydrated...

CastEdit

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